It twisted down from the ceiling and grabbed Tristan in it’s claws before slamming him into the ceiling repeatedly, I saw his dog tag drop a couple of seconds before it threw him to the floor and spotted me. I ran as it flipped down and started after me, running on it’s claws. I ran through the building as more and more of them spotted me, this must be a nest of some sort as a crowd developed behind me. I ran down some stairs that seemed different now, before it was quiet and safe but now I could be caught at any moment. I saw a door and ran through hoping that it led somewhere useful but all I could see was glass. I ran straight at the glass and dived through it hoping that at least they wouldn’t kill me but one of them grabbed me and slammed me into the side of the building, It dragged me up and when I got to them I tried to get through them but they were too strong, they pinned me to the floor and then it was the end I would die at any second.
No, read it out loud, best way to see how good something of your is. If you get annoyed by your own words outloud, so does someone when they read it. My first impression, "TO MANY I'S AND TOO MANY IT'S!" You do realize that almost every sentence you started off with had "I" at the beginning, or "It(s)"
I understand in first person you must use I, but read any other first person novel that's published and YOU WILL NOT find this many sentences starting with I. Unless it's meaning too, and I doubt you meant to as a writing style, you did so as an example of bad writing.
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